Knock knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo hoo?
There there no need to cry!

Doctor Doctor
I think I’m a pair of curtains!
Oh! Pull yourself together man.

Two men were playing golf and a funeral car came past. When it came past one of the men took his hat off and bowed. The other man Said “That was very nice of you.” The other man said well I was married to her for 5 years.  

Doctor doctor I think I need glasses. You sure do you're in a café! Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I’ll deal with you later!  What does a farmer use to count cows? A cow-culator!

 How does a ghost count?
One…boo…three!

 Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and come to my house!

 What’s a demon’s favourite music?
Soul music!

 Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow whmoo

There’s a boy at school and his teacher asks him what are the first four letters of the alphabet. He says, “Z, Y, X, W”. Then his teacher says, “ No, go home and learn it”. So he asks his Mum, “What are the first four letters of the alphabet?”  She says, “ Get lost!” So he goes and asks his Dad, “What are the first four letters of the alphabet?” And his Dad  (Who is watching the darts) says, “180”. So he goes to ask his brother and asks, “ What are the first four letters of the alphabet?” And his brother (Who is watching the TV) says, “ SUPERMAN!” Then he goes to ask his other brother, “ What are the first four letters of the alphabet?” And his other brother says, “ In my little bumper car! Beep Beep!!” So the boy goes back to school the next day and his teacher asks him what the four letters of the alphabet are. So he says, “ Get lost!” His teacher says, “How many slaps do you want?!” He replies, “180!!!!!!!!” Then she said, “ Who do you think you are?” Then he says, “ SUPERMAN!” Then his teacher says, “ How do you think you are going to get out of this one?” He replies, “ In my little bumper car! Beep Beep!”

 Doctor doctor I’ve only got 59 more seconds to live!  
I’ll be with you in a minute.

 What time of the year don’t turkeys like?
Christmas!

 A tourist decides to visit a town when he’s on holiday. So he goes to the information desk to find out what is going on around the town. The woman there tells him that there is an Indian out in the desert who remembers everything. So the tourist goes out to find the Indian to test him to see if it is actually true. When he sees the Indian the tourist greets him saying “How” which is how Indians say hello. The Indian replied “How”. Then the tourist asked, “ Do you like eggs?” The Indian answered, “Yes” Then the tourist leaves the town. 10 years later the tourist returns to the town. He goes to see the Indian again. The tourist says to the Indian again, “How” And the Indian replies, “Scrambled.”

 Why is the queen’s bedroom flooded?
 Because she reigned for 50 years.

 What did the alien say to the plant?
Take me to your weeder!